The Film Chronicles

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, 1995, Action
Plot: Casey Ryback’s back with his niece (Katy Heigl) as he boards a train with a former military intelligent agent- turned terrorist who has taken the US military’s satellite and is using it as a weapon to destroy major cities.

Thoughts: Action was good and it was interesting to see a young Morris Chestnut as the “rookie” in the movie (even though he states probably the most homoerotic phrase in the entire movie). It was neat that a young Katy Heigl makes a cameo and the BA Mike from Breaking Bad also shows his bald head.

The bad guy is like a more annoying Chris Kattan and the other bad guy reminds me of the guy from Avatar “I suggest you go there (Hell) for some R&R). This movie was the same as the first except the location changed from sea to land (so the opposite of phenomenal actor Keanu Reeve’s Speed movies).
Not the worst Seagal film but still ridiculous.

2.3/5

Futurama: Bender’s Game, 2008, Comedy
Plot: The Planet Express crew attempt to thwart Mom’s stranglehold on the fuel economy for her use in exploiting and using dark matter.

Thoughts: This movie wasn’t as good as the last. It had many sci-fi geek references and nerdgasms there were many throughout. The story was solid as usual, it just grew a little flat. I wish that this had been condensed into a two part episode instead of an 88 minute movie. All-in-all it was decent but not great.

3.1/5

Under Siege, 1992, Action
Plot: A group of terrorist hijack a US Navy Battleship to sell it’s Tomahawks. Fortunately for the US, ex-Seal Casey Ryback is aboard the ship.

Thoughts: Not gonna lie, this was actually a decent Seagal movie. You can almost forget how someone is at the height of their career and in this flick he was far from the worst part. It was a little hard to see Tommy Lee Jones stooping that low, but sometimes you just gotta pay the bills. I thought the action sequences were well thought out and of course there were still laughable moments in the film (this wouldn’t be a Seagal movie without them).

2.7/5
Seagal Rating: 2.3/5

Sarah’s Key, 2010, Drama

The Losers, 2010, Action
Plot: A group of ex-CIA agents go after a man who set them up to be killed on a mission.

Thoughts: This was a better film than I thought it would be. I’m not really sure why I thought it be any less after seeing the solidity of the cast. Evans was by far the best thing about this movie. He brought energy to every scene he was in and made everyone around him better. Not to say that everyone else was bad, Evans was just the showstopper.

The writing was solid and well adapted (but what else can you expect from Peter Berg). The only problem I had was with the bad guy’s script. It remained too “comic book-ishy” and really flattened the film. Slyvain White did a remarkable job of transferring the pages to the screen and had many “epic-looking shots” to showcase his editors’ skills. At times, however, it was a bit much. I look forward to him managing more of the DC/ Vertigo films if they ever want a shot at catching up to their Marvel counterparts.

3.7/5

The Glimmer Man, 1996, Thriller
Plot: Two cops follow the trail of a serial killer.

Thoughts: Another Seagal flick, another laughable disappointment. This movie was a poor man’s Rush Hour (and that’s saying something since it’s creation was several years before the release of that movie. I guess Keenan Ivory Wayans was coming off of the high from “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka” but he should have just stayed in ’88. The story-line was confusing (as usual) and Seagal’s character’s only hint of motivation was to show how cool he looked wearing the worst outfits ever.

Real movie rating: 1.8
Seagal Rating: 3.6

World’s Most Dangerous Drug, 2006, Documentary
Plot: A look into the boom of the drug methamphetamine and its effects on the world.

Thoughts: At times, this felt like a PSA and it really wasn’t what I thought it should have been. The beginning was very informative and I had no clue that the drug had spread so rapidly. It’s debilitating effects show why this is one of the hardest drugs out there.


Kids, don’t do drugs.


3.1/5

Dogs Decoded, 2010, Documentary
Plot: Another documentary about dogs.

Thoughts: Average documentary, just reiterated the information I learned in the previous one.

2.6/5

Exit Wounds, 2001, Action
Plot: Seagal plays a cop who has been shipped to the worst precinct in the Detroit area. He finds himself up against thugs, gangsters, and fellow cops who have slipped into the crime they’ve sworn to stop.

Thoughts: Seagal, DMX, Michael Jai White Anthony Anderson, Eva Mendes. These are the top-billed cast in this movie. The thing that impressed me most in the movie was the fact that DMX didn’t allow himself to get beat up…not even by Seagal. The second most impressive thing was the amount of people impaled. Really. It was kind of disturbing.

This film was based on a novel so the story was actually interesting. By far the best scene in the movie was the car chase that climaxed when Seagal jumped over a vehicle, Kobe Bryant-style.

2.3/5
Seagal Rating: 3.6/5

Tigers of the Snow, 1997, Documentary
Plot: A look at the Siberian Tiger’s decline in population due to poaching and deforestation.

Thoughts: This film was less about tigers and more about how people are helping them…which got pretty boring after the first few minutes. I wish that we had seen more of them and actually talked less about those crazy scientists, but alas, ’tis not what I received.

2.2/5